Reporting from the Commissioner’s home office, a.k.a. the basement hideout… the Abtcave, if you will… office chair basketball reached new heights last Friday at Tobiasson Square Garden in terms of attendance records (3) and with the last team advancing to the championship in this inaugural season of the world’s newest competitive sport.
Flying Squirrels 5, Gummy Wolverines 1
The AbtNet playoffs finally resumed more than two months after the first semifinal match, which saw the upstart Hearts & Unicorns outcoach and outplay Robot Apocalypse (who later claimed malfunctioning gyroscopes as factors in the loss) on their path to the finals. The Flying Squirrels entered the game as heavy favorites to make it to the championship with their only regular season loss resulting from a questionable bit of scheduling and possible collusion — just one of many investigations underway for a league enduring its share of birthing pains.
But the Gummy Wolverines shook off their underdog status and came out firing with gritty defense and aggressive shooting from Melissa “Windmill” Stackhouse and Morgan Pierce. Morgan was making her first start of the season in the playoffs, after holding out for the regular season due to a contract dispute. Unfortunately the energy and effort did not translate into points, and the Squirrels methodical attack saw them work the high, low and behind the hoop posts until they had built a commanding 4-0 lead.
Not to go down without a fight, Morgan did attempt a new verbal tactic at the top of the key by warding off the defense with claims of “No, mine! The ball is mine!” This momentarily baffled the Squirrels, and Melissa was able to launch a deep jumper that found the net and seemed to be worth at least two points. The Commissioner made a motion from the sidelines to count it for two, but the Squirrels reminded the Commissioner that they had never played with 2-pointers. The commissioner made a note to place the championship trophy in a flaming bag of horse manure, should the Squirrels squad win it.
The failure of the two-pointer bid seemed to remove the still-beating gummy hearts from the Wolverines, and the Squirrels marched to their expected victory to sneering choruses of “MVP” and “Dop-iinnnnng!!!” from the stands, referencing the doping investigation of the Squirrels players that has made splashy headlines all season. When asked about the less than friendly crowd after the game, leading scorer Arthur Drexler commented, “It’s just part of a disturbing trend in American society where we feel the need to tear down excellence. I think it started in sports with Michael Jordan. I’m not saying I’m Michael Jordan… but I might be the office chair basketball version of him.” Squirrel teammate, Dono Chance, suddenly letting his Concord roots show, added, “Don’t be hatin’, y’all! We out!!”
Wolverine player-coach Melissa “Windmill” Stackhouse commented after the game that she liked what she saw from Morgan Pierce in her first game. “I think with a little more playing time next season and perhaps a season-ending off-the-court prank-induced injury to Dono Chance, we could be contenders next year.”
Previewing the finals matchup, Rajon Gan, who was in attendance was heard during the game sharing the secret tactic that was so successful in deprogramming the Robots in the last semifinals match — namely occupying the space below the hoop and never moving. Will the Squirrels be able to counter this devastatingly effective gameplan? Will allegations of doping and lightsaber worship catch up with them? Will the Commissioner find time to make the trophy he’s talked so much about — or will he instead grant the winners permanent custody of one of his kids? Stay tuned to find out!